Ramona the Pest
Another blip in the road? Speed bump? Thorn in the flesh? Or all part of the grand scheme?
Because I’ve gone from the ridiculous to the sublime to the ridiculous in this little foray into “paraprosdokian.” So lest you have the mistaken notion the pilgrim’s progress is always a straight upward line of transcendence into some kind of self-actualization or enlightenment or whatever word you want to use, let’s p.s. this with the facts:
Julia
Yes, Devil’s Advocate, nudge, pest, quasi-girl friend, but an all ’round pain in the very thing she accuses me of wasting my life on all of which comes down to this:
“I mean where have you been, Gus?” “What do you mean where have I been?” “Why can’t you ever give a definite answer?… ” “Probably because it means a definite commitment… ” “So what’s wrong with that?” “Because if I were to take you seriously – which I don’t – I don’t want to be making a fool of myself – and if you really are serious then time will tell.”
“You through?”
“Talking or making fool of myself?.. ”
“There’s a difference?”
“Not in my case – because then there’s my dear little Julia… whom if I were to take seriously, of course, and follow through on all this – would certainly be the most obvious object of my folly – since my sweet dear little Julia has it all: the spiritual, emotional, physical, everything. Just one thing….”
“What’s that?”
“She never waits for me to initiate!”
See what I mean? A definite blip in the road… but lover’s spat? Hardly – more like testing the waters:
“Because if I didn’t, you never would.”
“I would so!”
“- When?”
“Don’t come around then, then you’ll see.” since she did. This was at my trailer which she pounded on around 8:00 in the morning, on my day off (with a garden hose in one hand and a trash can lid in the other like she’s holding a shield – like she’d just come from a water fight instead of watering plants). “Yeah, I’ll be dead.” then a quick squirt “knock it off!”
Besides we see each other all the time anyway, it’s inevitable in our communal lifestyle. You almost have to make an attempt to avoid a person not to see them at least once a day. So when she doesn’t, I can see why she thinks I’m avoiding her. Then another squirt.
“but I’m not.”
“What?”
“avoiding you.”
“I don’t care.” She always says that. “Then why did you ask?” “What?” “Why I’m avoiding you? – you just asked me where have I been?” “Because… because.. you are that’s why?.. I’m not saying I care, I’m just wondering why?” Squirt.
“Why? Why? – marriage preparations that’s why!”
“Who’s getting married?”
“We are!”
“Oh yeah right Gus” squirt.
” – hey you wanted me to take the initiative.” figuring let’s go to the other extreme and work back from there. “Like you’re not just so full of shit” “Now who’s bluffing whom?” “Okay I’ll call your bluff but you still have to think about” “what’s to think about let’s throw caution to the wind!” “HA! – you’re crazy!” “Yeah I know! Isn’t it great? “… just staring at me trying to figure out where I was going with this one as she now aims for my pants “WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF!” and this is when you wonder if you went just a little too far because then she gives you that look – like we really are playing the game of love – like a poker game – knowing if we both show our cards the game will end!… instead of bluffing, raising the stakes, and Jokers Wild. “Because how many years has it been, Gus?” squirt.
“Years for what?”
“Us!”
“I don’t know.”
“Take a guess. You’ve been divorced for eleven, we met after you’d been divorced for four – how’s your math?” “Seven…. eleven… seven..eleven… seven-eleven? – whoa – that’s got to mean something here… – hold on here there’s got to be a hidden message there somewhere!”
“Yeah – you’re slow.”
“I’ll make up my mind.”
“When?”
“Real soon.”
“I heard that three years ago. And then I heard it four years ago. And five and six… geez Gus you don’t think I’ll get discouraged do you?” “nah not you Julia – not after seven years – seven years – seven years? SEVEN YEARS I’ve been here for seven years! SEVEN FREAKING YEARS… OF MY LIFE! Why hasn’t someone told me this!” “All of which we could have done together you jerk.. instead of fighting the battle alone, ‘it is not good for man to be alone’ but that’s all right – you do it your way spend another seven years like you have already sticking suppositories of John Wolesky’s butt!…” “well if you just stop pressuring me and let me make up my own mind – or at least let me think I did because you’ve never let my heart have a chance to long – because you’re always there because the truth is… if you didn’t bug me all the time, I might even miss you or even want you!!” Just staring at me, a loss for words – unspoken words… about a marriage that never seems to get more serious than the joke it was supposed to be. Another squirt at my pants, down one leg and then up the other ignoring what can only get worse if I don’t
Because you see, like all jokes (another squirt), there’s always an element of truth… or at least an attempt to establish the truth (squirt squirt)… “I was only joking” being the first attempt… to see if the other person isn’t (squirt squirt).. since I was only joking.. I think.. and she wasn’t (squirt squirt).. – I think… but then sometimes the situation reverses and I wonder if she’s joking and I’M not (squirt squirt)…… but, fortunately so far none of our joking or more importantly our not joking has yet to coincide and then a blast in the face “AND WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF!” and that’s when I blew it
– I came charging down the stairs and this is when you may just wanna skip to the end because it gets too ridiculous to even tell ya about it because I reached out to grab her shirt tail hanging out the back of her shorts but she dodged and I missed as she’s running around in circles laughing as I kept missing her because I was just wearing flip flops and when I tried to make the quick turns my feet’d just slip out of them until finally I got a hold of her shirt tail whereupon she immediately started to run up the steps into my trailer screaming the whole time until the t-shirt which had to’ve stretched a good four feet wouldn’t stretch any further as she started to close the door on me and the t-shirt as I pushed the door open and we both fell down on the floor, her in a sitting position, me on her legs as I looked in her eyes and then grabbed her arm as she rolled over crawling on all fours into the living room (see I told ya this gets pretty ridiculous), laughing like a lunatic while I’m just trying to contain her, until finally when she couldn’t move anymore she grabs a pillow off the couch, rolls over and WHOMP with all of her might – on the left side of my head – WHOMP then the right- WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP – back and forth until finally I pinned her arms so she couldn’t budge… and looked in her eyes again…… and at this point if I had the slightest bit of romantic feelings towards her I suppose this would have been the perfect moment we all wait for, right?…. but not Julia, no – because all of a sudden out of nowhere she starts screaming “RAPE!RAPE!RAPE!” at the top of her lungs no less “WHADRYA-CRAZYOR- SOMETHING PEOPLE’LLTHINK- I’M- KILLINGYOU Geez whatareya nuts – besides don’t ya have it backwards?”
“EPAR! EPAR! EPAR!”/”WHADR’YA CRAZYORSOMETHING- PEOPLETHINKI’MKILLINGYOU”/”EPAR EPAR EPAR” so I took the pillow and gagged her with it as she’s mumbling “mmm mmm mmm” whatever that means (rape spelled backwards?) as she started kicking and flailing and ah-such is the nature of our relationship… the classic approach- avoidance conflict when that insipid cliche flashed in my mind – “can’t live with’m can’t live without’m,” so too I can’t imagine living with her anymore than I can’t imagine living without her…
My point? Paraprosdokian! Like I said: just when you thought you’ve gone from the ridiculous to the sublime? You’re now back to the ridiculous. And just when you thought you were on to something too! – some serious epiphany!! – LIKE THE AUGUSTINIAN ORDER OF MENDICANTS STRIVED FOR LONG AGO!!! – THE MEANING OF LIFE!!!! Yes something you actually thought you might be able to paint even: that “Promised Land!” That Celestial City!! – Yes, even that “on earth as it is in Heaven” One!!!….
Instead devolves into a screwball comedy where you can’t tell the difference between the caregivers, the mentally handicapped and the just plain crazy!
…so? Speed bump? MARRIAGE? or maybe it’s time to go back to painting? But this time the very thing that on – not ONLY on a metaphorical level everything I thought I’d find here – but on a metaphysical level AS WELL…
“- Then the desert and the parched land will be glad… the wilderness will rejoice and blossom… like the crocus, it will burst into blossom. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.”
To be continued